WHO CARES RALLY to Restore Apathy in America


to Restore Apathy in America

Everybody seems to be having a rally these days. Beck had his and Rev. Al had one down the street and now my colleagues John Stewart and Stephen Colbert are having theirs. I’d better get with the program.

Therefore I today announce an upcoming Mega Event called Lightning Rod’s WHO CARES? RALLY to Restore Apathy in America. It will be a gathering to show how many of us there are all across the country, in large cities and small towns and cardboard boxes down by the freight yards, we Americans who, down deep and in our hearts, really don’t give a damn. We’re out there. We live on every street. We only vote when ‘none of the above’ is on the ballot, but our mutterings don’t go unheard.

You would expect Apathetics to be a hard group to rally since one of their intrinsic qualities is presumably a lack of enthusiasm. It might be a problem to raise a crowd. But the tradition of Apathy in America is so rich and with such a proud history to celebrate, I’m sure that many shall saunter forth if for no other reason than to see how many more could care less.

Glenn Beck measured the success of his rally by the number of people who presumably attended which he estimated to be somewhere just south of the entire population of Israel. Military satellites couldn’t even comprehend the size of the crowd according to Beck and if they could they wouldn’t tell you the truth about it because they don’t want you to know the truth. The WHO CARES? RALLY could only be counted a complete success if nobody showed.

So, the last thing I want to do is get my base all fired up. There has been entirely too much activism and political involvement going on lately, if you ask me. It’s very disturbing to my apathetic tranquility. Hysteria prospers only when calm men aren’t sufficiently dedicated to their Apathy. I don’t ask you to believe in Apathy, that would require too much effort which is anti-apathetical and besides, Apathy doesn’t work unless you really, really, with all your heart, don’t believe in it. If you are firm in your indifference, you will be rewarded with a living oblivion sweeter than morphine because all true Apathy is founded on a deep desire not to know.

The Right to Apathy is the greatest of the implicit rights, like privacy, not mentioned in our Constitution. It’s the default Right, sometimes the only Right we have left, the Right to do nothing. It’s as sacred as our Miranda right to remain silent, which I vociferously support. If we are complacent in our defense of the right not to care, it will atrophy like an unused muscle and pretty soon we won’t even be able to act like we don’t give a damn. We’ll have to be just like all those other idiots who think they are expected to pretend that they care. Care about what? Who cares?

We Apathetics, who some have begun to call the Chamomile or Evening Tea Party, have long gotten a bad rap because apathy is often mistaken for indifference when actually, in its purest form, it more resembles acceptance. Buddha would be a member of the Chamomile Tea Party if he were here today making a guest incarnation. Buddha was all about acceptance which many accused of being Apathy. There are wheels and wheels within wheels and the chant becomes a drone as the universe groans in its effort to be quiet. Apathy is the opposite of love or caring. Caring is another word for what Buddhists call attachment. The goals of both Buddhism and Apathy are the same, freedom from attachment. It’s all very cosmic and wise, if you give a hoot about such things.

A practicing Apathetic is the picture of serenity and good humor. He eschews conflict and turmoil and large gatherings. The only learning curve that he is interested in is the curve that his ass makes in the cushion of his Lazy-Boy, so some doubters will say, ‘If you plan a party like that, you will end up with a million un-eaten hot-dogs because Who’s gonna come if they don’t care?’ I would say to these thomases that this event is not about the Apathy itself but our Right to it. It’s not about our own small individual complacencies or preoccupations or just because we can’t be bothered not to come, it’s about SHOWING how many of us there are out here who don’t care and just how passionate we are about our indifference.

The WHO CARES? RALLY to Restore Apathy in America will be held at the reflection of the Washington Monument in our nation’s Capitol. This ephemeral location was chosen because Washington can be called the Father of Our Apathy since he showed that he really didn’t care by rejecting a kingly crown when it was offered and instead becoming the largest grower of Indian Hemp in the country. We have decided that it doesn’t matter when the event takes place since no one will care anyway. When you don’t arrive, you will be right on time. And if you want to watch it on TV, there will be a web feed and If the event is the smashing success that we predict it will be, you won’t see a soul or a thing but maybe a few paranoid conspiracy protesters who won’t accept that we aren’t there because we want everyone to know how much we don’t care.

The Poet’s Eye hopes not to see you there.

Apathy Prayer

Lord, give me the apathy to accept the things that I don’t care about, the courage to care about the things that don’t matter, and the wisdom to know that it makes no difference.

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