Immigration — A Modest Proposal

There is only one good, fair and workable solution to our immigration problems. The answer is simple and elegant–Sell U.S. Citizenships. Since we are a nation of immigrants, we start by leveling the playing field. We begin by revoking all current citizenships. Your family came over on the Mayflower and has owned land here for over 300 years? Tough luck. You get in line like everybody else. Then for the nominal fee of a million bucks and if you pass a standardized written test, you are an American citizen and you become eligible for all the perks like voting, healthcare, fire and police service, highways, civil courts and the right to try out for American Idol.

It fits right in to the whole Ownership Society thing. Let’s face it, we value things that we pay for much more than things we get the easy way, by birthright for instance. Let’s not cheapen the value of citizenships by handing them out frivolously to any old somebody that happens to be born here. The more expensive it gets the more valuable it becomes. That’s an ironclad axiom of consumer economics. If we pay for something, we appreciate it more and maintain it properly and take pride in it and wax it every Sunday.

Oh yes, we need to get back to the true and Constitutional definition of citizenship as envisioned by our founding fathers, that citizens should all be anglo-saxon male property owners who are current on their masonic dues. Seriously, anybody with a million bucks would be eligible. It would be the correct answer to every question on the application. How old are you? A million bucks. What is your religion or national origin? A million bucks. Are you now or have you ever Bin? A million bucks.

Of course other countries would soon see the benefits of selling citizenships and would begin to sell their own. Soon there would be a marketplace for citizenships and consumers could shop around for bargains and better services. We would be able to buy citizenships in bundles and on margin. There would be advanced derivative citizenships and citizenship futures. Only so many would be available so they would become rare and collectable. We would see citizenship bubbles, booms and crashes.

For a nominal additional fee you can sign up for the Premium Platinum Citizenship Plan. This would include cradle-to-grave health and social services, access to cushy government jobs, scholarships, fellowships, internships and dozens of other nepotistic opportunities.

What? Can’t afford the million bucks? No problem, we will sell you a seventy year mortgage on your citizenship. You can pay it off by the time you die if you start young. For one easy monthly payment you can enjoy all the benefits of citizenship and even leave it to your children to be passed down through the generations.

How about the millions of people who can’t afford to be citizens or just don’t want to be citizens? Simple. They do the work. This gives them some human dignity and also keeps them out of trouble during the daylight hours. It enables them to pay the steep but uniform Value Added Tax which will be our government’s chief source of revenue since bona fide citizens will pay no taxes after their citizenship is purchased. It’s an elegant plan. Non-citizens would be perfectly legal and welcome as long as they pay all the taxes and do all the work. There would be no more illegals to burden our education system and social services because non-citizens would not be eligible for these things. They would depend on the good old trusty free market to provide schools and hospitals and insurance and consumer protection etc. Nonnies would be able to own as many guns as they felt was necessary to protect their property and enforce their contracts. They would be free of government regulation and restraint, real TeaPartiers.

The Poet’s Eye sees this modest proposal as the real free enterprise way to handle our complex and puzzling immigration problem. No higher fences or more expensive border headaches and violence. The solution is simple, civilized. Pay to Stay. It’s either that or fatten Mexican babies for American tables.

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